Theatre

A LITTLE MORE POWDERED EGG? is a romantic and lyrical revue of war songs touring retirement homes all over the UK. Never Too Old For A Nappy Productions is producing this ever popular show and looking for singers and dancers of all ages, willing to raise a smile, a jaunty jig or at least a little REM from the senior citizens of the UK.

The budget is tiny on this one, so ideally they are looking for an ensemble of four actors with naturally pillar box red lips, or shiny Bryll creamed side partings. Songs include such well known war anthems as “I'll 'ave you Maisy Day”, “A Clip on the 'ead (never did me no 'arm)”, “Is Your Chin is Up Mr Sunshine!” And of course the unforgettable ditty “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen. Applicants must have clean driving licenses and be prepared to not only drive, do get ins and get outs, but also possibly direct and produce the show. Send all applications by the week's end to the usual address.

CPR Update March 2010

Film

James Cameron is in preproduction for AVATAR 2: BLUE HAIR DAY. We'll let you know when we receive a breakdown, so plenty of time to see the film in the meantime.

Fresh from winning her Oscar, Kathryn Bigelow is probably doing ANOTHER FILM sometime soon. No details as yet, but you can trust CPR to get you the breakdown as soon as it's available. In the meantime, plenty of time to see her previous film POINT BREAK starring Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves, which we hope to have a breakdown for by the end of the year.

Television

Pam Ferris and Penelope Keith return as amateur sleuths in the fictional village of Tenna-by-the-Sea in the next series of ITV 1's cozy flagship sunday night drama THE TENNA LADIES. The series will feature 14 episodes. Casting director Susie Puffin is looking for the following parts only.

Stacy Leech (30's-40's) – Vampish suspect. Stacy killed her aged neighbour by playing fiendish mind games and confusing practical jokes until he literally kicks himself to death with his own feet.

Inspector Tackle (60's) – Previously played by Brian Cox, this part is being recast due to creative differences. Close to retirement, Inspector Tackle spends his days solving petty crimes like missing kittens or fences blowing down due to the inclement weather. Regular viewers may remember the climax of the last series when his toupee blew off while he was reading his father's eulogy. However he has a dark secret, and it's not just that he loves Eurovision band Scooch.

Bob Hogmonay (50's) – Loveable eccentric local who will get away with anything if he can! He is the foil to the uptight police inspector and is often coming up with harebrained schemes to make money. With his catchphrase “It ain't easy bein' this handsome!” he is often seen driving around in a converted tin bath causing smiles wherever he goes. In a stunning twist however, it turns out that Bob has fathered 80% of the village children which makes things rather uncomfortable for everybody.

Please send CVs and photographs to Susie at her usual address.

Student Film

BLOODSPORT is a high concept student film being filmed in the Summer. Olly Sponze is the guffawing writer and director who will more than likely find himself out of his depth on the day of the shoot when he discovers there's more to directing than drawing a few stick figures as preproduction and having read The Guerilla Filmakers Handbook. His disappointment at having gotten into several heated exchanges on Shooting People will pale in comparison to the disorientation he'll endure when somebody has the gall to ask him about character. The day will be spent by Olly wishing everybody could hurry up and just film the slow motion muzzle flare montage bit, or the moment there's a three way Mexican stand-off he was so proud of in the script. Sandwiches and copy are supplied, but the copy probably won't turn up.

Commercial

Susie Paraffin is casting a commercial for The Harley Clinic. The commercial will run in UK cinemas and will promote their plastic surgery clinic. The breakdown is quite specific. She is looking for people with at least 2 of the following.

• High foreheads

• Beaky noses

• Tiny teeth

• Massive chins

• Gerbil like cheeks

• Googly eyes

• Rounded shoulders

• Freaky digits and/or a hoof

It's imperative that they cause absolute revulsion in the viewer by their inability to look even slightly normal. Susie has specifed she is looking for people who make you think of creepy, discordant circus music when you look at them. They must also have bags of confidence - no wallflowers please. Must be able to macarena convincingly.

OPPORTUNITY

Need help with your career? Former actor Mark Diddy is running a casting workshop on how to get noticed by the profession. CPR sent it's own roving reporter to catch up with Mark at his house in Edgbaston.

“The thing...” says Mark Diddy, pausing and looking out of the window at a passing traffic warden “The thing about actors is... they don't know how to market themselves.”

That's true! I thought, they don't! Tell me more Mark, please.

“A lot of them don't know about the Spotlight, for example. That's one of the many things you'll find out when you pay £150 for my morning course.”

I knew I was looking at a genius. Sure I knew about cameras and things, but Spotlight? I've never met an actor who has even heard of it.

Now in his early 40's he cuts a distinguised figure sitting there. Perhaps it was the way he had styled his beard. Perhaps it was the black and white shots behind him of himself when he played the Admiral for Admiral Insurance.

“I'll tell you another thing they don't know...” he said, a smile twitching, his eyes softening in the late afternoon light.“They don't know they've got to have a CV. And the good ones, yes, the good ones will attach the CV to the photograph. The really good ones will always do that. I foresee a wonderful future for people who do that.”

I was sold. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from knowledge like this.

I signed up immediately. But Mark had more. More knowledge. My heart pulsed a little faster.

“Did you know...?” he said, eyes unfocussed for a second, as if he were lost in a dream of beauty and power. “Did you know that you can get a professional to take your photo? I had one actor who came to me, he'd been sending out his 'homemade headshot'. He'd drawn it himself with pencil and coloured it in with poster paint. It's 2010! I screamed at him. We've moved on!”

Mark calms down a little. "Do you know who that actor was? The actor who owes me his career?"

I waited for an eternity.

"It was Ken Morley."

Mark's course will be held in his living room in Edgbaston. Courses can be booked through his website.

Fringe Theatre

Head for Heights Productions are casting their latest site specific twist on the bard in Hamlet at Twenty Five Feet. Artistic Director Henry Mule feels like this production will be special.

“We've managed to secure planning permission to suspend the actors from a bridge 25 feet over the M6 near junction 12. Drivers commuting back from work will get quite the view as our actors play out the fate of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, in safety harness, doublet and hose.”

Previous productions have involved Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with actors being suspended over a phone box in Gretna Green, Copenhagen above a hospital bed in Merton and The Pillowman above a pizza delivery bike in Hove. All parts are available for this spectacular, and it's imperative that the actors are happy to work for up to 16 hours a day. No pay.